Kansas

Recently I was given the good fortune of some unplanned vacation, and I took advantage of this opportunity to go visit some very good friends of mine down in Arkansas. There's certainly a lot I could write about here, but I primarily want to talk about three days we spent in the great state of Kansas. Kansas is a very strange yet wonderful place. It's almost as if it is about ten years behind everywhere else in the US. I first realized this when we stopped to fill up for gas and I noticed there was no card reader at the pump. This vexed me for a brief moment until I realized that these people actually trust you to pay for the gas that you pump. What a novel idea! After pumping my gas I went inside, picked up a couple of items to munch on, and then walked up to the counter. My friends had already paid for the gas I had pumped, so I was left with the cost of my items which came to $2.78. As I started to pull out my debit card the lady behind the counter breathed a deep annoyed sigh and said in an almost southern drawl:
" It's gotta be three dollars to use a card."
Stunned silence
"Uh okay."
In a panic I turned around and grabbed an expired, un-refrigerated juice off a sale rack and set it on the counter.
This satisfied the three dollar requirement and I was able to walk off with my purchases.
People are more laid back in Kansas; life moves a little slower, and maybe that's what is so nice about it. The second day we were there we decided to walk to the grocery store. There's no traffic, it's just pleasant. People are nicer. They wave to you as you walk on the sidewalk. At the grocery store the clerks didn't seem to mind if we played Frisbee down the aisles (although they will ask that you don't knock anything off the shelves). On the way back I stopped at a coffee shop and deli to get a cup of coffee. It was self serve so I poured my coffee and walked up to the counter and started to pull out my debit card when I saw the sign that read "no credit/debit cards". I was once again stunned. I have three cards in my wallet with about 4,500 dollars of purchasing power, and I had no way to pay for this $1.27 cup of Java Jazz coffee. I felt absolutely helpless. Fortunately there was a kind Kansas woman who saw my plight and motioned to put the coffee on her tab. It's this kind of neighborly behavior that makes Kansas feel so, oh I don't know, homely I guess.

On a Saturday afternoon you are almost guaranteed to find a guy outside wearing no shirt and a pair of jean shorts working on his truck. There's also a possibility this person will be sporting a mullet. If you are really lucky you might even see a guy wearing bib overalls with no shirt on. (it is rumored that when the planets align you can see a guy working on his truck wearing bib overalls with no shirt and sporting a raging mullet)

I listened to quite a few conversations of the local people while I was there, and I determined that people in Kansas talk about three things: the weather (particularly tornados), whatever crop is in season and the price of this crop (while we were there wheat was the topic of discussion), and the latest gossip about other Kansans, like "how old man Whithers' combine broke down", or "how Elmyra tripped over some chickens and broke her hip." It amazed me that everyone in Kansas seems to have a connection with everyone else. I could just see myself pointing at random people on the street:
"How do you know him?"
"Well his 2nd cousin fixed the plumbing in my house."
"What about her?"
"Her husband's brother married my wife's second cousin" (for some reason it's always second cousins).
"What about that guy?"
"I ran over his dog with a tractor."

After three days it was time for me to leave. My plane left at 10:15 am out of Kansas City. The plan was for Emmett, Caleb and I to leave at 4:15 am so we could get to Kansas City in time to stop at Waffle House, eat greasy food, receive bad service from disgruntled waitresses, and then arrive at the airport about an hour early. We left at around 4:15 am and quickly realized that nobody had any idea about how to get to Kansas City, and we didn't have a map. So we stopped at a gas station at a nearby town to fill up and get a map. Inside the gas station sat a very large disgruntled looking man staring at the wall. Apparently these are all requirements needed to obtain a job working the graveyard shift at a gas station in the middle of nowhere Kansas. I imagine his job interview went something like this:
"Let's see according to your resume, you are skilled at staring at walls, being entirely unhelpful, and you like to eat lots of donuts."
"Yes, and I also bathe infrequently."
"When can you start?"
We found the map rack and were quite surprised to discover that this gas station in the middle of Kansas had maps of Missouri, Nebraska, South Dakota, North Dakota, Wichita and Topeka, it did not however have any maps of Kansas.
"Uh excuse me sir do you have any maps of Kansas?"
"Are there any on the shelf?"
"Uh no."
"Then nope."
Stunned silence
Now I can almost guarantee there is a stack of 100 Kansas maps in a back room somewhere. This would, however, require him to actually get out of his chair and lose the spot on the wall he has been staring at, after performing this feat of athleticism he would have to eat a jelly donut. His other option is to remain in his chair, maintain his spot on the wall, and eat a jelly donut anyway. He opted for option two. Fortunately for us there was a fifty state atlas, which Caleb used to write the directions down on his hand.

After driving all morning we finally arrived at the outskirts of Kansas City, where we quickly located a waffle house. Waffle house is the kind of place where you're liable to see a sign that reads "you may be asked to pay before you eat." There are few things that are certain anymore in this world. The sun is going to come up in the morning, and you will get disgruntled waitresses and greasy food at waffle house, particularly if you go in the middle of the night. It's actually somewhat comforting in a way, knowing that some things are certain. I was delighted to discover as we walked in that the night waitresses were still on duty. They mumbled a few unkind words to us, brought us bitter coffee without bothering to bring any creamer and then left us alone. We sipped our coffee and enjoyed the $2.19 atmosphere. Shortly thereafter we continued our drive and soon passed the sign that read "welcome to Missouri." Overall I enjoyed Kansas. Anywhere I go that I can walk away with some good memories is a good experience.